Memories of Us
by Shepard.Commander87
Summary: This is still a work in progress. let me know what you think and I'll keep writing!
1. Chapter 1

So, let's see where I am. I appear to be in the AI core of the Alliance SR-2.

What am I doing here? Well, being strangled of course apparently, anyway. I can feel the cold hands on my skin. How strange it is to have someone so close to me to have such hate in their eyes.

Their eyes.

Their eyes are cold, and calculating. Looking as if to determine the probability of getting away with killing me without anyone else finding out. I find it, very unlikely.

EDI's eyes, her synthetic ones that have the wonderful shade of blue, with the holo overlay, look at me with contempt, almost jealousy and anguish.

So, EDI. EDI is trying to kill me. Right, now I remember. I think I passed out for a short time.

How did I get here? What did I do to deserve this from someone that is on my crew that I trusted? One of the few things from Cerberus I did not cut ties with, did not purge. I could've done this with a button, So… why?

Ah yes. Now I remember. How could I forget? My very reasoning for meeting EDI in the AI core. I knew she wanted to see me, and she is a member of my crew, so I cannot deny this request. But, did I expect this? No. Should I have? Maybe.

_We were on shore leave and I decided to get a drink at Purgatory. I had some words with Aria anyway, so I went to grab a swig of Brandy, when I saw Joker leaning against the bar. How about that? Finally getting out for a change I say to myself. He deserves it. _

_I go over as if to say hello, those graces aren't needed any longer, we can read one another like a book. _

"_All it took was Cerberus attack on the Citadel to get folks around here paying attention to the war!"_

"_How is this any different from normal?" I say to him. _

"_Can't you see the desperation? This isn't happy dancing. This is forget my problems dancing, look at the arms. If a guy waves his arms like that, he's worrying more about a lot more than looking stupid on the dance floor." He spats at me. _

"_That's surprisingly observant." I say baffled at his revelation_

"_I've had a lot of time to watch dancing from the sidelines. Speaking of which…"_

"_Dancing?" I say. One of the many things I'm not good at. _

"_Watching from the sidelines. What do you think about me and EDI?" He says. _

_What am I supposed to think? What am I supposed to say? This is my helmsman. My Joker. The man who has always dragged me out of the fire. The one to make sure I was okay after Virmire with Kaidan and after Horizon with Ashley. He was the first to see me after waking up under Cerberus and the first to join my side with no question. So, what do I say? He deserves to be happy. He deserves happiness, even if not with me. As I pull out of my thoughts, I remember he actually asked me a question. _

_I decide to tell him, or at least give him the hint that I have had feelings for him for years. Since the day the Normandy crashed all I thought of was him. Is he okay? I can save him, I will always save him. I don't regret dying to save Jeff. In my mind he is Jeff. I think the universe is a much better place because he exists. So, I need to at least tell him, so that I don't live with regret. _

"_You know, with all this interest in EDI it's possible you've overlooked other options." I say to him flirtatiously. The best way I can. _

"_Uh, I never really considered it Commander. No offense." He states. What was I supposed to expect?_

"_And now that you're considering it?" I continue. _

"_I served with you from the day you took command. I followed you into hell…"_

"_But… not into my quarters." I finish melancholy. _

"_Chain of command, Shepard. In an alternate dimension without military ranks, I would rock your world." He finishes. _

_The world is ending as we know it, and he is thinking about regs now? Wonderful. _

"_But in this one, EDI?" I say. _

"_Well, yeah. What do you think?" He awaits my answer. What do I think… what do I think? That you're stupid, and how in the world would you make any of that work? How would you have the emotional or sexual attachment of a relationship with her? But I care deeply for you, Jeff so… _

"_Do what makes you happy, Jeff." I say as the words roll off my tongue, I can't take them back. He looks at me with surprise at the use of his first name. It seems to make things more intimate then previously. Jeff. EDI calls him Jeff. I guess I can't win them all. _

That day killed me inside. Knowing I would be alone in this. I put it all behind me and shut down. I became the commander I needed to be. The one I have been for the past 3 years. Shut off, detached, determined, motivated, caring and fair. I needed to be strong. I had no time for relationships. None. How in the world could Commander Lillian Shepard have a relationship? Even the thought sounded outrageous in my own head. I would be alone. I would die alone. I would die alone saving the only thing that ever mattered. The only person. Sure, I'll be saving the galaxy too, but that was just an added bonus.

If I sound selfish, well then, to hell with you. I have sacrificed myself when no one was up to the task of saving the galaxy from Saren and Sovereign, and Cerberus had to bring me back from the damn dead because no one would stop the Collectors. The damn dead! I would much rather be dead now. Or more or less I am dead.

I remember one memory. It hurts me to this day. One with Jeff and I. After I shut down from all things of course. I had just gotten back from picking up Javik and as I came into the ship from the decontamination chamber, Joker began talking to me.

"_Hey Shepard, How's the mission? It looked like a success!" He says to me with a smile on his face. _

"_It was fine, Lieutenant" I say to him. Not ties whatsoever, Lillian, remember. _

"_Woah, Lieutenant? Since when did you become so formal huh?" He jokingly says to me. _

"_Since this became an intense mission where I need to be focused on the task at hand. There is no time for camaraderie for me Lieutenant. The entire Galaxy is depending on me. The last thing I will worry about is whether or not I have been too formal to my crew." I spat. I was being immature, I knew it. But, it was the only way for me to be who I am. To be the person I needed to be. I have no one to depend on or confide in, so I make no time for informalities. It makes opening up too easy. _

_His face shut down. Nothing. No emotion for me. Not even anger. Good. This is what I need. I need to have a reason to stay away from him. To stay away from the conversations, the happiness. I am me, I am alone, and this is how it will be. _

"_Understood, Commander." He purposely stood up and saluted me. In his eyes, and mine, since we know each other so well, this is an insult. It's an insult to his pride, and my own, because he now views me as the same. Like the rest of the Commanders that he would maybe have worked under. Not Lillian, not his friend. Not the woman who saved his life. _

_I went to my cabin and drank for majority of the night until I cried myself to sleep. It was the worst sleep I have ever had. I have lost so much. Kaidan, Mordin, Thane all the people on the SR-1 and the Collector base. All I can think of is the loss. The loss that has brought me to this point. The pain that has been so ever clear in my vision. I hate myself. Why do people respect someone as disgraceful as me? _

I can feel the numbness at my eyes. Was really no one going to come and save me? Even as a friend, Jeff wouldn't help me? Would he do that to me?

Then I hear her speak.

"I'm afraid I can't do that Jeff." She says. Do what? What did he ask her to do?

"Put Her down EDI!" I hear him scream. He's screaming for me. I try my best to look harder. I see Garrus, Tali, Vega, and Jeff. I try to squeeze out a word.

"J—Jok-Joker…" Finally comes out of my mouth as she squeezes my throat harder. Do I really sound that bad?

"Shepard!" He yells. The last time he said my name with such emotion was when he was in the escape pod, and I was being spaced.

I try to muster a smile. Tears run down my face at the memory. The memories of us.

She throws me across the room. No wonder she wanted that body. Her perfected shiny form comes barreling towards me and hits me with great impact. Joker is trying to reason with the guys to not fire at EDI and try to settle this calmly. He is conflicted.

I think one of my ribs have been broken. I squeal in pain at the sheer intensity of it, and the anger with myself. Why did I do this? Why did it come to this?

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-Joker-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Shit! Shit! What the shit? What do I do? I don't want to hurt either of them. I do my best to pace, not very well I might add. Garrus has got his rifle trained on EDI's head. Her head. Would it hurt her if she were shot? No. Would it hurt Lilly? Yes.

Lilly. She's become Lilly again. I thought I lost her, not to death, but something more embarrassing, ignorance. I can't believe what she confessed to me in Purgatory that night. What did she want me to say? After me spilling out my interest of EDI? Sure, I might have had a little more than usual that night, but, what was I supposed to say?

I can't do that to myself again. Go through the pain of losing her again. It was all the more reason to stay clear from anything concerning Lilly, other than friendship. Yet, she couldn't even do that. She could barely speak with me, unless necessary. Sure, she wouldn't glare at me, but she also didn't come to the cockpit and sit around telling jokes or talking about her life either.

I never thought of the impact all of this would have on her. That was bad on my part I suppose. We were so close, and at a time like this, when the world could end tomorrow, we are worlds a part. I'm an idiot.

Many nights from the Citadel she would come back to the ship drunk, and alone. I felt horrible that I was happy no one was trailing behind. I had my chance and chose the safer route, EDI. EDI can't die, she can't get spaced and cause me to spiral into nothing. She can live forever, she can outlive me.

But one night, one night I came into a sort of rage with Lilly. I had no right to, I know that now, but who ever said that I thought rationally? Exactly.

Kasumi came to visit, as well as Jack, and they finally convinced Lilly to go out to Purgatory for the night. She even dressed up too. She looked beautiful. I should not think those things.

"_C'mon Shepard! Just one night. You need a break, and we need to catch up!" Kasumi peeped._

"_Holy Hell Shepard! Just get your ass down to the bar, ad not in uniform either. Ya hear me?" Jack said to her, or more ordered her. _

"_Guys, really I'm-"_

"_You're going and that's the end of it!" Kasumi spoke up, and Shepard laughed and decided against better judgment to put on a dress, make up and head out for the night. _

_ The trio finally made it to Purgatory. It wasn't that great, not like Afterlife on Omega, but it'll do. _

_ Jack had on what looked similar to her normal attire, but it was red and missing the armor. She never left much to the imagination. Kasumi wore a purple tight strapless top, tight jeans and heels, and Shepard wore a very form fitting black dress, it clung to her curves, and finished it off with some make up. _

_ They were at the bar talking and hanging out most of the night when a guy came over and asked Shepard to dance. An Alliance guy. She agreed, normally she wouldn't, but she put back a few, and they were dancing on the dance floor. _

"_It appears that Shepard has found a dance mate for the evening, Jeff. She actually dances like that?" EDI inquired. _

"_Yeah, she's not the greatest when it comes to those things." He laughed and searched for her on the floor. I had to check three times before I could find her form sensually moving in the dim club lights. Now I know what EDI meant when she said dancing like that, no one dances like that in public, unless she's putting on a show. I don't like this. _

_ Her hair, which was down, was swaying around her as she moved her hips to the music. I admit it's not a bad sight to see, not a bad one at all. But, she's dancing alone? No. Some man slides his arm around her waist and then locks it behind her neck pulling her in for what looks to be a kiss. _

_ It took ever fiber of my being to not scream out at her. I became enraged. Why am I mad? I should most certainly not be mad. I tell EDI I'm leaving and proceed to the Normandy huffing like a child in a tantrum. It become 3:00 am before she even got back! By this time EDI has already signed off for the evening, only running necessary programs, and everyone else was asleep or camping out on the Citadel. _

_ So, she _finally _strolls into the Normandy, and the anger is the furthest thing hiding in my voice. _

"_You know what time it is Shepard?" I say to her, voice rising. _

"_Why yes I do, my dear helmsman. Is their a problem?" she smirks at me. She's drunk. _

"_What in the world were you doing? What if something happened while you were out?" I start to think of things to get mad at her for, but the list is very short, aside from my own stupidity. _

"_Excuse me? Please, do tell me you are not even pretending to care what I have been up to. I deserve shore leave too. If it is any of your concern, which it isn't, I had a great evening with a handsome soldier. We danced all night." She began spinning in place. _

_ Even with her drunken self, she couldn't look more beautiful. This angered me more. I should not be thinking these things! Stop it Joker!_

"_Good night dear helmsman Moreau." she said sweetly, bent down, and kissed my cheek. Then, she strutted off, with her wobbly drunken self. _

That memory always makes me laugh. Where did I ever think I could hide how I felt? She was the strongest, most beautiful woman in the galaxy. She was Shepard. My Shepard, my Lilly.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Okay, now back to the task at hand. What am I supposed to do? A better question is: why the hell isn't Shepard defending herself? She doesn't need weapons, that's for sure, she's a powerful biotic and could essentially throw EDI across the room. As I thought this in my mind, it was as if Tali heard me say it out loud.

"Keelah, Shepard! Just blast her! I know you have the strength!" She yelled across the room. Shepard just laughed as she spat out little bits of blood from her mouth.

"Why are you not defending yourself, Shepard?" EDI asked.

"I would never attack my own crew, no matter the circumstances. I knew what chance I was taking meeting you here, where you hold the most strength, but I deserve it I guess. My question to you is EDI, for such a technologically superior being, why can we not talk?"

EDI looked as if she shorted out for a second. She could not respond with a sufficient answer. She did not know why she couldn't civilly talk to her commander.

"What do you mean meet you here?" Joker said to EDI, "you planned this? You planned on hurting Lilly?" At that moment, Shepard looked at him as his face became red, not just with anger, but with embarrassment for saying the name he only called her. He was the only one.

She could feel herself slipping again, she figured while they were on a first name basis, mind as well join in.

"Jeff… Jeff, get out of here, please!" She pleaded. She could feel herself slipping. "I don't think I can stay awake much longer… so…tired. Want … to sleep… Miss you, My helmsman…"

He looked at her in shock. He didn't think she would become so emotional at a time like this. Normally this is when she throws emotions to the wind, where she forgets about everything but the mission handed to her. Yet, all she could do was speak his name.

I remember one night… After we came back from Thessia, she started having nightmares, terrible ones. She couldn't sleep and was pretty close to drunk around 2:30, so she decided to come see me. I can't say I was disappointed. I wish I could, but I couldn't help but be excited to see her in her oversized t-shirt that had a picture of a puppy varren on it, it was so cute.

_We were smooth sailing. There really wasn't any reason for something to go wrong. It was night cycle, everyone was asleep, and EDI went to the AI core to "rest". I was checking the systems when I heard a shuffle behind me. I would love to have rear-veiw mirrors up here. _

_It was Lilly. _

_She looked a mess. She looked amazing. Her hair disheveled from tossing and turning, her eyes red from what I assume was crying. She plopped down next to me and whimpered. What could I do?_

"_What's up commander, you look like hell." I was lying. _

"_I can't sleep, and thanks for the compliment, Lieutenant." She peeped. She sincerely looked scared. _

"_Want to talk?" I really hope she doesn't, but maybe it'll get her out of my sight, and my thoughts much sooner. _

"_Do you mind?"_

_Do I mind? No. Do I really want to? Yes. I mean No! I can't become close, I can't. Get a hold of yourself Joker!_

_She comes near me. No, no Shepard… don't come near me! She slides into the same chair. Okay, maybe it won't be too bad. The warmth of her is so inviting, that I find myself putting my arms around her. I have never seen her like this. She looks so fragile, so scared. It makes every part of me want to protect her, which is silly since she protects everyone, including me. I guess that can take a toll. _

"_I had a terrible nightmare, Jeff."_

_She called me Jeff. Well, how about that._

"_What happened, tell me." I find myself whispering to her, I was inches from her face and I would be lying if I didn't think how easy it would be to kiss her right now. _

"_I saw everything crumble around me. Mordin, Thane, Kaidan, everyone disappeared, like they fell into a chasm. Garrus, Tali, Liara… Even you…" She began to cry. _

"_What do I do Jeff? What if I can't save everyone? What if I fail? I'll lose everyone, lose you too!" She buried her face into my chest. This was such an intimate moment, and I would so hate to ruin it. _

"_Lilly, look at me." her eyes, which were now glassy from her tears looked up at me. I never noticed them before. Brown, light, almost like honey. I felt myself drowning in them, in her. _

"_I will never leave your side, do you hear me? Not after all this time. I will stay with you until the end, even when you order me not to, I will be here for you, Lilly, because that's what I do, Just as you did for me." I held her chin so that she couldn't turn away from me. She looked as if she was searching for something. Then she spoke._

"_What did you do after I died?" _

_I was afraid of this ever coming up. I should've known it would one day. _

"_I guess you deserve to know… The galaxy might end tomorrow, am I right? So it can't hurt telling you…."_

_I began to continue. "I was a mess. The Alliance grounded me, took away one of the only things that ever mattered to me, one of the few things I had left. I drank, the days began to blur. The only thing that held me together was Chakwas and her reminding me that you wouldn't want this for me. So, I took that, and ran with it. I healed… over time, and became functional again." I finished. I looked at her, and well… I couldn't describe the look, but all I knew next was that her lips were against mine. Remember that whole idea of staying away? Yeah I don't remember that. Not one bit. This was wrong though, I was with EDI. I made my decision. Didn't I? I could never have this with EDI though. The warmth of her lips the softness of her skin. Woah! Okay going too far… _

_As much as I hated the thought, I broke from her enticing lips, and the look on her face only made me want to ravage her more. Her lips were swollen, from my kisses of course, and her face was blushed. She was the most beautiful creature in the galaxy. She kept her head down, said goodnight, and left me alone. My only thoughts would most certainly be of her tonight. I sighed and tried with little success to sleep. Right, sleep… _

-.-.-.-.-.-Shepard-.-.-.-.-.-

"I understand your frustration… EDI… Can we just talk? If not, I will eventually have to hurt you." I said to her panting.

"Too late for that Commander, You have hurt me in the worst way." EDI's eyes began to glow red.

I knew what this meant; she was planning to kill me. Over this. All of this. I guess I could understand, but he had made his choice. His choice was me.

"EDI, don't do this!" Joker said to her. He tried to move forward, to calm her down.

"I care for you EDI, I do… But Shepard… Please, you have to understand! If anyone is to blame, it's me!" he pleaded with her, and she was at my neck again.

Definitely going to black out. I can feel my eyes drooping, and I hear arguing, I think very faint. All I see though is Jeff. I look into his eyes, his beautiful green eyes. If I ever get out of this, I will make certain to tell him how beautiful they are.

"Goodbye, Shepard." Her eyes glow red. I knew this was the end.

What a pathetic was for me to die, by one of my crew. Not by the Reapers, not even close, but from a jealous, bitter Self-Aware AI. Damn my life.

All of a sudden, her grip loosens. My eyes open, and I see her collapse to the floor. What happened? Her eyes turn dark. Did she overload? Did she lose power? Is that even possible? The I saw a small hole, threw her head, right into her processor. Well, I guess that would stop her from choking me.

I look at Garrus to thank him, but realize the surprise on his face. All their faces. If it wasn't him, then who? Then I see him. Jeff. I look at him, the gun still pointed in position, and him looking forward. He then looks at me, a see an expression, and movement, then blackness.


End file.
